The Bachelor - The Final Rose

Jakes’s family has come to St. Lucia to meet the girls.  Tenley and her Minnie-Mouse-on-helium voice make a great impression on the family. She expresses her love or Jake and her desire to be his wife. Then they have their last date together on a boat, go snorkeling.  While cuddling afterwards, he asks her if she is worried that the physical passion isn’t as deep as the emotional passion and Tenley replies that she though it was!  RUDE?  HURTFUL??  I think he is just horny for Vienna, the former Hooter’s waitress.  That evening in Ten;ey’s room he apologizes if he hurt her feelings.  But they have an ‘emotional bond’.  “I love Tenley.” Wow.  He is just a loving guy, full of love for both girls.  He is full of something alright…

Jake told his parents that Vienna has had trouble with the girls throughout this process.  Nice setup, Jakie-boy.  They don’t like her initially but all ends up well. On their last date, they roll all over each other at some sulfur springs, massaging each other with mud.  She even write ‘I LOVE YOU’ on his chest.  The night brings cuddling, snuggling and talking.  Guess what?  He LOVES Vienna.

 

From Vienna I have learned that English grammar was not emphasized enough in her education.  HIM is not a subject pronoun.  It is NOT “what HIM and I have together…”  It is NOT “this might be the last time I get A kiss him…” It’s get TO kiss him. TO TO TO. But I digress.

 

Final Rose Ceremony day.  A shirtless Jake gets out of bed looking pensive and goes outside while we listen to tape of him talking about both girls. He is torn and in love but doesn’t know “who has my heart”.  Cut to Vienna talking about Jake, cut to Jake talking about Vienna, cut to me, nauseated and praying for this to end.

 

The jeweler comes in and Jake can’t decide.  Cue the music, the teary eyes, the fretting.  Cut to the girls getting ready, last minute whining by both of them, cut to Jake undecided and in pain.   Cut to the girls getting into their helicopters, on their way with the music swelling.  Pass the Pepto.  Where will he “find the sheer courage to break somebody’s heart”?

 

First arrival is Tenley. She trusts him with all her heart an their life together will start today. He tells her all of her wonderful qualities, “I do love you, you’re perfect, yes you are” and then BOOM – “but something just does not feel right.”  Tears all around (not me) and she actually THANKS HIM for making her feel special.  Hugs, long looks, the walk of shame, tears in the limo.  Hmmm…Helicopter in and limo out? 

 

Vienna in the helicopter – “Today could be the start of Jake and I’s life together.” Jake and I’s???  GRAMMAR POLICE!!  CITIZEN”S ARREST!!   Down on one knee, music swells, he proposes and she says yes.  Cut to scenes of them and then…he gives her the final rose.   I will never get these hours back